Distracted

It was 4 years ago this week that we admitted Griffin to the hospital for the last time. I am trying to focus, yet find myself so distracted. Suprisingly I made it through Christmas with out crying. I wasn't until the 27th where i lost my mind, I was so consumed with emotions. I cried and cried. Yesterday, I cried. I even cried at work today. I am just ready for Jan 4th to be here and over. Ready for that 4 year mark to come and be gone. The problem, is that I just miss him. I miss being Griffin's mom. I miss his laugh, his toothless grin, him asking for eggo waffles 4 times a day. I miss it all.

13.1 miles I did it!

Halloween Update

So, I'm going to try to be better about Blogging. I can't believe it's Halloween. Sydney is Alice in Wonderland, she loves absoutely perfect as Alice. And if you call her Alice (while in costume) she quickly correct you, "No not Alice, Alice in Wonderland!" Sometimes I just look at her and can't believe she's my girl. Blake has 2 costumes depending on his mood. He recently pick up a gold/black ninja costume with an awesome ninja sword (we lost the sword at the Boo at the Zoo). Also, he has his zombie doctor costume from last year (we couldn't seem to find the doctor coat, so it's bacially scrubs (with guts and blood) plus we put blood in his hair and on his face! It's pretty cool.

The kids have already had Halloween overload! (The story of my life...trying to plan as many events as humanly possible) We've been to the Arboretum Pumpkin patch 3 times! We went to the YMCA halloween party, Trick or Treating at the Arboretum, Trick or Treating at the Heard Museum with the Dinosaurs (that was awesome!), the Boo at the Zoo, our grief group party and all before Halloween!

Today, is actually Halloween, the kids ate donuts for breakfast (per my promise to my grandma to feed them donuts and hotdogs today (like we used to)) I'm picking them up early and bringing them back to my office to trick or treat and then we will trick or treat around the neighborhood!!

I'm sure we'll have candy for months!

I'm in final count down for the marathon, I'll update on that later. I have a big Pasta Party tomorrow night, Barry and I stay in the hotel, And the kids will come meet us to cheer me on Sunday morning. Be thinking of me!
-Mo

Race Day Jitters!!!

Okay, so I keep on telling myself NOT to freak out. I spent a couple days last week crying about the marathon. Come to find out, it is very normal, especially for your first race. The true problem I am having is....TIME...I have no doubt that I can walk 13.1 miles (honestly it's not THAT far). The problem comes that the race has a 4 hour time limit (granted my coach checked and said not to worry that people finished later then that last year) Anyways, my freak out comes that the whole season, i've been walking a 20 mile (can't seem to get my legs to go faster)so, that means assuming I can keep up the pace, I can walk 12 miles in 4 hours, not 13.1!!!! SUCKS!!! I'm not an athlete, I'm not walking for my chip timing, I do however, want to finish, before they are tearing everything down..this leaves me sad, felling like I've set myself up to fail. And failing is something I struggle with. I can't handle that NOT good enough feeling.

Anyways, I know I will do it! I know I can! I just don't want everyone to have to wait for the lone Fat girl walking in last.
Lesson learned though, next time around, I am going to sign up for a race that has both a 1/2 marathon and a full, that way i have like 8 hours to go 13.1 miles!! Much better plan.

Light the Night

Yes, I've become the worst Blogger! It hasn't been intentional. Honest. I've been busy with work, the kids, and trying to get all my walking in. Plus, the new TV season is on. This has left me with No Blogging time.

Anyways, last night, we walked as a family (plus our babysitter and husband) in the Light The Night walk. As a family, we walked, with 2 gold balloons (one for Griffin, one my mom) and two red balloons. We walked 2 miles, Sydney ran pretty much the whole way,except when she was jumping ofer the crack in the street or walking backwards. It was a great night. In less than two weeks I walk alone, my 13.1 miles for my mom and Griffin! (Okay, not literally alone, it's the Dallas 1/2 marathon, i'm sure there will be tons of people.) I had been training with my friend, who was walking with me, but she backed out :( Luckily, I still have my coach, mentor, and fellow teammates.

I'm excited and nervous. Can I make it? My coach tells me not to worry, that I'll be fine, I've been training. I remember when 3 miles was hard, now I consistanly walk 8! Yep, me! Walking 8 miles. But 13.1 is far. I've looked at the course and it's intimidating! I can do it! (right?)

Almost 1/2 way there...Slacking at Blogging

First: Sorry for slacking at Blogging!! Life has been busy, vacation was wonderful, summer is almost over, it's tooo darn hot in Texas!! Anyways, I haven't made it a point to get online and blog.

On the walking stuff! I'm kicking butt!! Last Saturday August 2nd, I woke up and was out of the house by 5:30 am. My friend, WinterFawn and I walked 6 miles!!! That's almost 1/2 way there for our marathon training!! I was so proud of us! I remember just months ago being terrified at the 3 miles I was going to be walking, thinking how impossible 6 would be, but it wasn't! It felt great! Honestly, this Team in Training has been the best thing for me. Coming home from vacation, I was slacking...it was hard to get motivated to be out in this horrible Texas heat (yes we've had tripple digits 17 of the last 18 days. The first week back I couldn't get myself motivated to get outside and move. It took me a while but last week, I was back on track, In the last week, I have walked 23 miles!

Work is crazy right now, I got a promotion and start next Monday! I'm thrilled! So, this week is crazy with trying to get things wrapped up and turned over.

Heidi and her boys fly into town on Friday! Yay! We are driving down to Schlitterbahn and I can't wait!! Nothing like spending the weekend at the water park.

I will upload all our vacation pictures some where soon, so you can see them.

-MO

Finally...I have a 7 year old!

Hooray! Blake turned 7, last Thursday June 19th. I can't tell you how good it felt to have Blake turn 7. Honestly leading up to his Birthday I had been worried it would be difficult for me, to have Blake pass up Griffin's age. I wasn't sure how my emotions would be.
On Wednesday we had Blake's best friend Matthew stay over. I had pre-scheduled the day off, we had plans to take Syd to daycare and hit the pool! Grab the best chocolate cake from costco and Blake's favorite chinese food for dinner. Unfortunately, the day didn't go as planned, when poor little Sydney woke up with the stomach flu! She was throwing up like crazy.... more to follow, i have to go get Blake and drop him off at cubscout camp!

Operation Binky (aka Beaz)

Yes, Sydney is 2 and 3 months, and she still has a binky! She's obsessed, she loves it, she doesn't have it at school, only nap time, but the second she sees me "my beaz, I need my beaz". Originally I had said when she's 2 I'll take it away, two came, Blake said Mom no more Beaz, I said, it's okay...well it's okay has turned into 4 more months...and many more to come...unless.

Last night, I decided since I didn't have to work today and we are leaving for vacation soon, we didn't need the Binky anymore! How do we take it away? I had the idea to go to Build a Bear this morning. Last night I told Syd that it was her last night with her Beaz, i explained what we were going to do. Syd picked an animal, and we would put some Binkys in her bear. She acutally picked a very cute Bunny, armed with a bag of about 12 binkys, she handed the lady one she hates, the lady asked for more, slowly and Syd handed her another one, The lady put a Binky in each paw, in her tummy and in the bunnies head. I took the bag from her and she started crying ( I felt horrible) She wanted her Beaz back!! She hugged her Rabbit, and reluctantly move to the washing station. She left Buildabear screaming about her Beaz, she cried the entire car ride home, she went up into her room and cried. Later she came down, told me her Beaz was in her Rabbit and she was a Big Girl. We named the Bunny Binky, she can feel the Binkys in the bunny's paws and has been doing fabulous today!!! We swam all day, then had a neighborhood block party so she hasn't slept with out it yet...but she's doing great!! Hooray!! Next step potty training!!! But I'm waiting until after our vacation!

Walking is going great! I'm torn because I want to go to the berry patch tomorrow and it interfers with my walking, i've not missed one saturday in 6 weeks, so i'm not sure what i will do tomorrow. Berry picking and make up my walk tomorrow evening?? or walk in the morning and skip the patch.. We'll see I'm undecided..

Remembering ...

I’ll never forget the conversation I had with Griffin on December 27th 2004. We were admitting him to the hospital for what would be his final stay. I knew at this moment I had to tell him that “he was probably going to die” I said probably because I couldn’t concretely say when or how long and maybe, just maybe we could get that miracle.

Griffin’s initial response did not surprise me, “Mom, can’t we go to a different hospital, can’t we see a different doctor.” “Isn’t there any thing else, I don’t want to die” It broke my heart to tell him there was nothing left any doctor could do. That we had done everything possible but his cancer was too strong. Within minutes Griffin accepted his fate. It was then he told his favorite "Texas" Nurse Brad (he had many favorites in California!) to do him a favor, to make sure to tell everyone about a boy named Griffin, who was brave and strong who tried so hard to fight his bad guys.

It also breaks my heart to know that I am not alone on this journey, that each and every day Mother’s have to say “goodbye” to their children. We have to find a cure and that is why Team in Training is so important to me!

I truly believe we will find a cure to cancer one day. Team in Training has provided me such an incredible outlet. I can’t find the words to adequately express my gratitude for all the support I've received from my friends and family; Supporting not only me but all the families who are facing cancer. Together WE CAN and WE ARE making a difference. We will find a Cure! And "fight the bad guys".

Yay! Walking again.

After walking last Saturday, my blisters I thought were gone, were not.. Every step I took, my feet hurt! After my 3 miles I showed my coach and was told I had to stay off my feet, and let them heal. Barry had gotten me a foot spa and some epson salt. Our friend WinterFawn was going to be babysitting the kids all weekend, so we could have an early celebration of our 10 year anniversary. Yes, I said 10, Still can't believe it has been so long.

Originally I had planned to go to the Fort Worth Gardens.. but when Walking was taken out of the picture, I wasn't quite sure what was instore. We ended up doing some shopping, seeing a movie, going out to eat. It was great! Oh nice and relaxing it is to have a meal with out two kids. On Sunday, we did go to the parade of homes (yes some walking was involved, not a whole lot) It was amazing!! What was even more fabulous was that 5 of the homes had rooms for Make a Wish kids, and one of the Make a Wish kids was our Team in Trainings honored Hero, an adorable 2 year old with ALL. Ian had gone to Disney for his wish, and love Aladdin, his room was fabulous!! The bed was a flying carpet. It was awesome.

This week was crazy. Monday we spent the entire day at the pool! It was so much fun. Sydney kept on saying over and over again, "I love swimming, I love it!" Definitely runs in the family. Blake had Matthew with him! I can't tell you how wonderful it is for him to have a best friend! The boys are adorable together. I couldn't walk this week, until Thursday! On Thursday I was so ready to go!! I had really missed walking! It felt so good to walk!

This morning, I met the team, and did my 3 miles and it felt AMAZING! I am excited to be back and blister free!

Note to Self: Type of Socks make a Difference!

Okay, so I'm clueless to this athletic stuff. Apparently the type of sock you were makes a difference! Stupid me wore my "cute" pink socks with awesome running shoes. I had bought some athletic "keeps moisture" away. But they were all dirty. I've been working Overtime, and with trying to keep up with the kids and get all my miles in, my laundry has suffered! And lets be completely honest, aside from mopping the floors, I hate laundry. Don't mind actually washing it, it is the folding and putting away that drives me crazy. Anyways, I walked on Tuesday, with my pink socks, in return, i got huge blisters. Lesson learned, by more socks!! Don't let my laundry pile up (at least not the good socks!).

Last night, poor Barry had the job of helping pop the blister. With no pain and a whole lot of relief I am happy to say my foot is recovering! And my lesson has been learned.

I go walking tonight. 2 miles per my training. I'll be wearing the "right" socks, as well as gauze on my foot. Hoping it continues to heal and doesn't get worse!

Love, Mo

BLISTERS!!

Ouch! I've got Blisters. I walked 3 miles last night. I was amazed at how great it felt to be outdoors, it's getting hotter, but the breeze was blowing. Normally, I don't like alone time..especially in the car, my mind starts racing, I start thinking about Griffin and my mom, and get sad. For those of you who know me, that's way I'm always on my cell phone when I'm driving. Anyways, Since I've started walking, I look forward to that alone time. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and deperately missing my son, I feel energized and motivated, determined to help make a difference in this world. It breaks my heart that other mothers have to lose their children to cancer. No mother should have to bury their child! I walk in the hopes that eventually there will be a cure to cancer! That I can say, eventhough I lost my son other families won't! I can't wait for that day!

About a mile into my walk, my left foot started hurting. I couldn't understand, these were my brand new running shoes, that I had sized for my particular type of foot. I kept walking. After 2 miles, I started having a burning pain in my left foot. Determined to finish I kept walking. It hurt, but I didn't care, I had to finish. I don't think I have ever been so happy to finish something.

I got home, took of my shoe..and let me tell you..I have a blister the size of a quarter (no big deal) but underneath that Blister, I have a new Blister..It is huge probably the size of a baseball on the ball of my foot. I could barely walk with out being in excruciating pain. I layed down on the couch, being a baby. Whying about my poor foot. This morning I woke up still in pain, but I'm not whying anymore. I didn't really need any more realizations, because I lived through the cancer life for over 4 years. But what I can say is my BLISTERS are NOTHING compared to the countless people who go through chemo theraphy, radiation, surgeries and everything else associated with a diagnosis of cancer. I'm fine, my feet will be fine. No complaining for me. This is NOTHING. I'm fortunate that today is my rest day so I won't be walking tonight. I'm hopeful my feet will feel better for my walk tomorrow night. -Mo

Inspiring

We had such a fabulous weekend!

On Friday night, Blake's new best friend Matthew and his mom came over and we made noise makers to cheer for the North Trails marathon on Sunday. Both boys and Sydney love crafts, not to mention us moms so we had lots of fun!

Saturday morning, I woke up to meet the team for our 3 mile walk. As I left the house at 6:20 I was amazed at how amazing the sky looked! The sun was rising. The sky painted this brilliant coral color! It was truly breathtaking. It was at this moment I realized how busy life gets and how the tendency is to overlook the miracles of nature. It also occurred to me that only 3 weeks previous, before I joined Team in Training, I would have been sleeping and would have missed this amazing sunset! I pumped and ready to go, I wasn't searching for more motivation, but I realized that sleep is overrated! I was happy to be awake and ready to be a part of something so great!

Meeting with the team is so inspiring! There is a wide range of people. Coaches, Mentor, Athletes, and people who are working on their first marathon (like me!) People with personal connections to cancer and those who haven't faced cancer in their families but who are just naturally compelled to make a difference in this world. Inspiring indeed!

As we (WinterFawn and I) walked and talked the breeze gently blew. We couldn't have asked for a more perfect morning. We even saw Hot Air Balloons in the sky. It felt wonderful. I've spent so long trying to figure out "my thing". What makes me happy, what I really enjoy. In previous years, I had received information about team in training, but always though "I'm too fat!" there is no way I can do that. Well I'm proud to say not only can I do it, but I AM doing it! And it feels great!

After walking we meet with a women who is training for her 3rd event! How awesome is that! I'm hopeful that one day that will be me. She shared her fundraising successes, stories of her marathons and misc tips! It was great.

We then were off to spend the day at Hawaiian Falls! WinterFawn (Matthew's Mom) and her family decided to join us for the day. It couldn't have been more wonderful. Blake was finally the right height for all the rides! He loved it. Sydney had a blast. It was such a great day spent. I love a day with friends and family and water! Can't wait for the beach this summer.

Sunday morning, I woke the boys up and we were out of the house by 6:10 am. No sleeping in at our house this weekend! We ran up to get muffins on our way to meet Matthew's mom and go volunteer at the North Trail Marathon. There were 65 team in training participants as well and tons of volunteers (like us). We were at mile marker 4 and 8. Dressed in Hawaiian Attire, with our noise makers, cheering on fellow team members as well as other participates. It was a Blast! I can't quite explain how amazing it felt being part of a Team! In almost 34 years, I have never been on a team and I am so proud to be on this one! Seeing all the purple shirts! All teammates running/walking for a cure. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is. We cheered for 3 hours! One of the fellow cheerers said her hand was tired from shaking the noise makers, she asked me if I was? I said absoutely not! All I have to do is scream and make noise! How hard is that! It's our fellow team members out racing who have the right to be tired!! My point was well taken. It's all at how you look at the situation! Life is what you make it! As the last person crossed our mile maker with her coach, I heard her tell him "this is the most amazing experience of my life". I can't wait for that! I'm only 3 weeks into training and already feeling that way!

Last night we were winding down, the kids had eatten dinner, I was working on laundry and getting ready for our week. It was my training off night, but something inside me was calling me to go walk. I tried to say to myself, it's Sunday night, you've had a busy weekend, it's okay to sit around, but I couldn't! I walked just over 2 miles last night. It felt great. It slept well. And am ready for what ever today hold!
love, mo
PS. I got my first donation in the mail on Saturday! It was awesome! Thank you Candi so much!

A new beginning

So, I've decided to start a new blog. 2 weeks ago, I made a huge committment and joined the Team in Training, benefiting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I am thrilled and energized to have finally found something that I can do to help get in shape and make a difference in this world.
In Oct 2000 when we learned Griffin had cancer my life took on a new mission. Obviously, it was to fight Griffin's cancer and allow him to live life to the fullest. We spent 4 years and 3 months doing just that. Making the most of every single day we had. We did everything possible within reason, making decisions soley on Griffin's quality of life. He endured so much! Yet, in everything we asked of him, he did with such dignity and pride, all with the expectations that he'd "win his battle, and beat those bad guys" never once uttering a word of complaint. It became not only my life, but my job, my focus, my mission.
Jan 4th 2005 our lives changed for ever. As we watched Griffin take his last breath, I struggled trying to make sense of why this was happening to him, to us. A piece of me dyed with Griffin. This hole that remains constant in my heart, this acking just to hear his voice again and feel him in my arms. Yet in this devastation I felt this sense of peace. How do we pick up the pieces? What do I do with my life now? What is my purpose? All these questions filled my head.

And so, my journey has begon. With my goal of walking in the Dallas 1/2 marathon on November 2nd. Walking 13.1 miles in search of a cure for cancer, trying to find myself and getting in shape.

Please come back to check on my progress. Yes, I've slacked on my other blog, but I hope to keep an up to date journal of my journey.
Love, Mo